Leaving Spaces and Entering New Ones

The start of this blog should feel exciting. However, I find myself feeling sad because of the spaces I am leaving behind to start this new one. It is the beginning of May and the end of my ninth academic year at my current university has closed, which always leaves me feeling empty for a couple of weeks, but at the end of this semester I also had to leave the office I have called mine since August of 2014 for good. The university has decided to make us move, so that next year they can tear down the building.

Don't get me wrong, the building is not in the best shape, and my office was in the basement and there were no windows. But that doesn't mean that I didn't make it my "own" space. We were allowed to paint our offices back in 2014, and I choose a shade of green that has a tropical breeze feel to it after an informal poll took place on Facebook between the green and a shade of blue.

I remember decorating it with pictures, a piece of art that I had, a rug, and some other things I have bought or acquired through the nine years. Yesterday when I was frantically and stressfully trying to get everything packed and make sure that the one big piece of artwork that came from my parents' house (and was/is worth some money) was wrapped as good as I could because it connects me to the house that I grew up in my mind, that my lamps would be okay. One of my lamps that I use is from when I was in college. I have come. to realize that it isn't so much the space, but the things that make up the space that are important to me and somehow in my mind the space and things become one.

As I was going through everything, throwing a way a lot of stuff, but also finding priceless things that still mean a lot to me like cards and letters from former students, pictures my duaghter drew, a Christmas card that my grandmother wrote a note in and sent to me when I lived in Korea that mean so much to me, especially because I still miss her so much!

I realize that we are going to a better space, bigger officess although I will be sharing with a colleague. I know that it will be okay and even better because we will have windows and I can have plants in my office, but wonder about if my personal things and pictures from my old office will be able to find a place in the new one.

I know that some people might find this all a bit silly and also about how starting this blog should be exciting because it is truly mine. However, just like my office, coming to the realization that I need to stop sending monthly emails of good cheer to my colleagues makes me feel like I am losing a part of me or my identity. I have shed quiet tears in secret about losing both of these things even though I know it is for the best, but at the same time if I didn't feel any loss than something would be wrong, right?

Leaving places has always been hard for me and I find that there is a time period where I always want to return for myself or for other people, but as time passes, I know that is has always been about me. The first time that I remember this feeling is when I left home for college and for the first month or two didn't feel like I had any or made any true friends and was lonely a lot of time while everyone else seemed to be having fun. Then by the time I graduated from college, I didn't want to leave my college town right away, but things didn't turn out how I wanted and then had to return to my parents' house. And then two months later I found myself living in Korea and no more than a month into that experience thought I made the biggest mistake of my life and needed to go home. But then after two years, having to leave Korea not exactly on my terms was bittersweet and for a while, wanted to go back to live and prove to a lot of people that things had worked out fine (once again though that was more for me and not for other people). These are just some examples, but my life and probably many peoples' lives are full of these emotions in leaving spaces and as bravely as they can entering the new space before them.

And that is what I am trying to do, bravely enter the next phase of life!